Vasectomies, Jock Straps, and Concepcion

Disclaimer: My wife is in no way responsible for the contents of this blog entry. Any embarrassment for a person or persons as a result of reading the following words should be directed at its author, and not its author’s wife. My wife is way, WAY classier than this:

Tomorrow is a day like any other day….

Except that tomorrow, I will shave my genitals, I will have a section of my vas deferens removed and cauterized by a man named Dr. Concepcion (no joke), and then I will spend the rest of the day with a bag of frozen peas on my crotch…. Okay, I guess that last part isn’t that unusual.

The owners of this restaurant have some big wontons….

There are a lot of funny things about the process of getting a vasectomy. How do you choose the right person for a job like this? I happen to be the sort of person who chooses a doctor based on how appropriate his or her last name is for the specialty of medicine that they practice. For example, if I was choosing a podiatrist, I might be inclined to see Dr. Walker. Problems with an enlarged prostate? Let me introduce you to Dr. Paul Freely. And his associate Benjamin Dover. However, going to a Urologist named Dr. Richard Chopp does not exactly fill me with confidence…. so I made the choice to have the surgery that will render my boys ineffective done by a man named Concepcion.

There are dozens of us. DOZENS!!!!!

I started talking to people who have survived this procedure. There are a lot of us out there. Some described the surgery like one might talk about getting a cavity filled (in your tooth)–no big deal at all. In and out, so to speak…. Others didn’t have the same sort of luck–Their vasectomy resulted in a slow recovery or months of sensitivity (not the good kind). It made me a little nervous, and when I get nervous I usually start making jokes. When I went in for my consult, I thought about wearing my nevernude cut-off jean shorts (that I got for Christmas this year) under my pants for the exam. When he asked if I had any questions, I asked if the plastic Viagra display in the room was made to scale or “If it was supposed to be that big.” For some reason, when people don’t laugh at my jokes, it makes the jokes funnier to me. Great name, but not a great sense of humor, that Dr. Concepcion….  Since he didn’t laugh at that, I decided to refrain from any sort of “take me to dinner first” sort of joke during the exam. He did do me the honor of closing his eyes as he checked me out. I appreciated that, so I returned the favor and closed my eyes as well. It was…. awkward.

Imagine a ho’s what…. Oh, imagine a HOSE. Got it.

Just having the surgery, I have found out, is not enough to insure that there won’t be a sixth Boeskool, as there may still be a few swimmers hanging around in the works. The doctor told me to imagine a garden hose (I did), and he likened it to how there is still water left in the hose even after you have turned off the spicket. He told me that after the surgery, I was going to have “drain the garden hose” (so to speak) about 15 times before things are all cleaned out. But I have been assured that, when explaining this situation to the wife, it is alright to embellish the number of times it will take, as well as the time frame for the cleaning process (We have 5 days to get this done, sweetie).

This is what my face feels like every time I say “jock strap.” Not just the smirk, but the smarminess.

Also, now I have to buy a “jockstrap”–It’s hard to even type that word (let alone say it) without making a face like someone from Jersey Shore . Seriously, who named that device? I have made it this far in life without having to buy a jockstrap, but now…. here we are. They tell me that my trusty old boxer-briefs are not going to cut it after Dr. C cuts it, so now I have to track one of those down for the healing process. I wonder if they have them at Play-It-Again-Sports. I really don’t even get how they work. It seems like it’s just a pair of assless tighty-whities. What purpose does not having anything covering your ass in a pair on underwear serve? Seriously. Does it not do the same job with another piece of fabric covering your crack? Somebody explain this to me….

But I digress.

So one good thing is that the surgery isn’t super expensive. The lady who schedules called and said it was going to be $930. This is still way more than I planned on paying–I figured that having this done is way cheaper for the insurance companies than us having another kid, so they’d probably pick up most of the cost. I once cut my heel in a K-Mart parking lot and they sent me to the emergency room to get it fixed…. One band aid and one tetanus shot later, I was charged $1200–so something like this could definitely cost a ridiculous amount of money. Kind of like if you spend $40 getting a leak in one of the tires on your car patched, you’re probably going to spend an arm and a leg removing a section of tubing connected to your car’s balls…. er, ball bearings. After spending about 5 minutes trying to figure out why it was going to cost this much, the lady goes, “Oh, well you could also just come in and have it done in his office instead of the surgery center and you will just be charged a $50 co-pay. It’s the same exact procedure.” Really? You’re telling me about this second? Do you have a lot of people choose to pay $930 instead of $50? I blame this on Obamacare….

Goodbye, old friends.

Anyway, I guess I’m a little nervous. I just want everything to go smoothly. There are a few horror stories online, plus I’m pretty sure I’m way more fertile than the average Joe–If I don’t cover my mouth when I cough, someone’s getting pregnant. The doctor asked if I was the sort of person who gets nervous easily. I was like, “Ummm, why?” He said that if people get nervous, sometimes the scrotum (I know, I know, but we’re all adults here) contracts, and he needs things to be a relaxed as possible for the surgery (otherwise, he’ll have to give me some valium, and then I can’t drive myself home). I said, “I’m not really the nervous type, unless I have to give a prepared speech, so as long as we don’t do that during the surgery, we should be good” (he didn’t laugh at that either). After I got done laughing, I said, “No, seriously, I’m usually pretty relaxed about these sorts of things, but I can’t say for sure what’s going to happen–sometimes my scrotum has a mind of its own.” Not even a smile….

Alright, wish me luck. I’m off to buy a jock strap. If you think of it tomorrow, say a prayer for calm and steady hands, for the remembering of skills and training, and for clean tools. If you want, you can also say a prayer for Dr. Concepcion….

Stay tuned for an update!!!!